Bavaria Holland Premium Lager

Posted on December 29, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Tonight is a boozy evening in with Bavaria Premium Lager.

Firstly I’d like to say a well pronounced “Fuck”. I quite enjoy Bavaria pilsner, so when I saw what I assumed was a redesigned can on sale for 50p each I was quick to grab several of them. It was only before I started writing this review that I realised that they are in fact Bavaria’s younger brother, the measly 2.8% lager. Looks like this is going to be another Asda Smart Price Lager chugging adventure again!

Refreshing but boozeless

Refreshing but boozeless

As stated above, Bavaria Premium Lager is a 2.8% beer in a 440ml can costing 50p. These cans are usually 79p which is a great price for the pilsner, but unfortunately this is the lager. To be fair, the mix up is completely my fault as I saw a can that looks nothing like the pilsner can and thought “Fuck yeah! Pilsner!” and although they’re cheap, I was looking forward to drinking them and I’m still quite bitter about the whole thing.

Despite being named “Bavaria”, Bavaria is a Dutch beer. I’m sure there’s some completely logical reason behind this, but I don’t care enough to research it. The can doesn’t give a lot of information other than stating the beer is “Brewed with pure mineral water from our own spring”. From the name I would assume it complies with German booze standards, although it doesn’t mention anything on the can.

Bavaria Premium Lager smells slightly of salted popcorn. This is the second booze I’ve reviewed that smells like popcorn, and several others have smelled of public toilet so I’m starting to think that my sense of smell could be fucked. There is also the standard lager smell but the popcorn smell is definitely more notable. After the godawful 2% Asda lager, I was expecting Bavaria’s 2.8% offering to be complete pisswater but it really isn’t too bad. Bavaria is quite a watery beer but it doesn’t have an unpleasant taste. In fact, it resembles the higher quality Bavaria Pilsner which has been watered down to have a lower alcohol content. This beer tastes better than other mainstream lagers of higher strength, but the 2.8% ABV means it isn’t suitable as a session beer. Bavaria Premium Lager is certainly a great choice if you want a drinkable lager and don’t care about getting drunk. If you were driving and stopped at a pub for lunch, this would be a great beer to choose if you want a pint without being over the booze limit (if that’s legal).

Overall Bavaria Holland Premium Lager is a decent tasting beer, however the low booze content is disappointing. Even at 50p per can I wouldn’t have bought this if I had realised it was only 2.8% which is a shame as I was looking forward to stocking up on these. Being quite a watery beer means it might be appealing to some, but boozehounds will want to avoid it. Bavaria scores high for its price:taste ratio, but loses out because of low alcohol content.

Booze Review rating: 3/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Lager | 5 Comments

Cactus Jack’s Classic Margaritas

Posted on December 28, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we are joined by Cactus Jack’s Classic Margaritas.

Cactus Jack’s Classic Margaritas is a pre-mixed margarita drink in a 700ml bottle costing £3.97. The drink is only 10%, but then again Cactus Jack is known for making pretty pissy schnapps. It’s more expensive than a cheap wine of higher strength although for a cocktail it is quite modestly priced.

Serve with fresh lime

Serve with fresh lime

I’m not sure why it is called “Margaritas” rather than the singular “Margarita”. Perhaps this is a way of suggesting that the bottle contains more than one serving and shouldn’t all be consumed in one sitting, but as I’m already halfway through the bottle it’s far too late for that. The back label states “Our Margarita Cocktail blend perfectly balances the citrus zest of Lime and Triple Sec with the rounded flavours of Tequila”. This immediately sets off the bullshit alarm as the word “rounded” is not a something I would use to describe tequila. Maybe “spiteful” or “begrudging”, but definitely not “rounded”.

Upon opening the bottle I was pleasantly greeted with a boozy aroma of tequila and citrus. I wasn’t expecting much alcohol so this was a welcoming surprise. There’s nothing overpowering but it’s definitely noticable. Cactus Jack’s is quite a cheap tasting drink. There is a strong taste of lime and tequila, but not much else. It seems like something which could be roughly recreated with tequila and grapefruit juice. This margarita mix doesn’t taste bad, it is just really bland to drink. I was expecting something a lot more “exciting” but as the bottle ended I was glad to see it gone.

Cactus Jack’s Classic Margarita is something you might want to pick up if you’re looking for something different and don’t want to get too drunk, but otherwise you’re best sticking with a cheap wine, otherwise go for a higher quality margarita. Definitely swallowable but not a drink I would rush out to buy again.

Booze Review raiting: 5/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Pre-Mixed | Leave a comment

James Cook Genuine Overseas Dark Rum

Posted on December 28, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we have fun by drinking rum!

Another rum today, this time in the form of James Cook Genuine Overseas Dark Rum. James Cook is a 40% dark rum available from Lidl for £10.99, making it quite cheap for a normal strength rum. I’ve drank a lot of this in the past and while I don’t remember much about it other than it being drinkable, I do remember it being pure grade esophagus stripper. On with the review then.

Perhaps one of Lidl's finest.

Perhaps one of Lidl’s finest.

James Cook presents itself as quite a naval rum with the label being laden with compasses, ships and anchors, as well as being named after Captain Cook himself. The words “JAMES COOK” are printed around the neck of the bottle which unfortunately look like “COCK” when hit by light, something which I hope to overlook while drinking it. While the label is in English, the cap is printed in German saying “Echter Übersee Rum” so I assume this is made in Germany and then shipped elsewhere. It is a “Genuine Overseas” rum after all. The back label features more of Lidl’s usual mindless drivel stating “Its composition of fine rum from overseas lends it a harmonious, mild flavour”. The word “composition” suggests it could be a blended rum but it doesn’t mention being blended anywhere so I’m assuming this is just weird wording. It then goes on to say “This genuine overseas dark rum tastes best in a grog or tea: add 1/3 James Cook to 2/3 hot water or tea with 2 sugar cubes”. No thanks, I think I’ll stick with coke rather than boiling water as a mixer. The label finally leaves us with the cliffhanger “PRODUCE OF MORE THAN ONE COUNTRY”. Since they’ve went to all the effort of constantly pointing out that this is a “Genuine Overseas” rum, I would have thought they would mention where it came from but maybe some things are best left unsaid.

James Cook has a fairly standard rum smell. It isn’t the most inviting rum but there isn’t anything overly unappealing other than the bleachy scent which is to be expected from any cheap spirit. Again, this isn’t overpowering so it isn’t much of a problem. James Cook is quite pleasant to drink too. It’s much sweeter than I expected from the smell, but it definitely tastes much better. The burn is much less than I remember but I assume this will come back once the bottle is finished, although I was drinking it with the cheapest coke I could find (19p for a 2 litre bottle) so I’m sure that didn’t help. James Cook is a rum which I would have no problems sipping on all night. I mixed James Cook and coke and it was quite disappointing. Mixing it kills of all taste of alcohol but still keeps a minimum rum flavour. You can tell you’re drinking rum but it’s quite a bland drink. I would much rather drank this rum straight than mix it with coke.

James Cook Genuine Overseas Dark Rum is a pretty great rum for the price. It’s cheap, tastes decent and gets the job done. James Cook could possibly make a pretty good drink as a DIY spiced rum, which is something I’m going to look at in the future.

Booze Review rating: 7/10
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Lidl, Rum | 20 Comments

Lord Calvert Canadian

Posted on December 27, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we have a special guest review by our good friend Jelf Boho in America. You may know Mr Boho from Mixed Drink Suggestion Hour on YouTube. Or Maybe not. When Jelf isn’t pounding down glasses of cheesy bourbon he can be seen enjoying picnics in hurricanes or chasing crabs around the house at 4am. Anyway, this is Booze Review’s first guest review so we hope you like it!

Lord Calvert Canadian

I must first admit that Canadian whiskey is not my forte. I tend to stick primarily to bourbon and scotch. In spite of this I acknowledge that variety is the spice of life, which is why I’ve gone out on a limb here to try something beyond my comfort zone. When I say “out on a limb”, I really mean “out on a limb which has already fallen from the tree and is now in the process of rotting amidst the undergrowth.”

Best served with no oranges

Best served with a side of oranges

At $14.99, this bottle was approximately half the price of what i usually spend on any sort of hard liquor. It claims to have been aged a brisk 36 months, (the bare minimum that is required for something to be called a “whiskey”). Strangely, there is a lack of any flavor text or attempts to sell itself to a potential buyer. Perhaps the most striking aspect of the bottle is the fact that the word “CANADIAN” appears in raised text no less than eighteen times. It’s as though the marketing team (perhaps a single person) decided (correctly) to not waste time trying to make this spirit appear to be something it is not, instead attempting to corner the market on one single facet alone. This is indeed a Canadian whiskey and they will NOT let you overlook that fact.

Upon cracking the seal, the first smell you are met with is akin to some sort of industrial-age medical disinfectant. In the spirit of being a cheap-ass, I decided to enjoy my first sample completely unadulterated. Wow. That was a mistake. It has an unfriendly spiciness to it, the sort of burn that accompanies something you probably shouldn’t be drinking. My mind once again wonders to disinfectants of years past. Immediately after swallowing, an unsettling dryness develops in my mouth, as if the entire first layer of cells were coaxed to an early grave. My mouth is now thoroughly disinfected of all life.

CANADIAN CANADIAN CANADIAN

CANADIAN CANADIAN CANADIAN

I quickly dropped an ice cube into the cup and allowed it to melt slightly. This greatly reduced the burn of the whiskey, however it allowed the secondary layer of flavor to surface. The one word that comes to mind is “bitter”. Actually, the word doesn’t so much “come to my mind” as it does “grab me by the back of my tongue and slap me across the face.” It’s like the same bitterness that remains in your mouth after you’ve vomited, though with none of the acidic sourness. I’m already feeling slightly buzzed from this one glass, although I haven’t eaten breakfast or lunch yet today.

The last thing I’m going to try, is mixing it with some root beer. For the sake of brevity: it works. Barely. I’m going to need a lot of root beer to finish this bottle.

Jelf Boho’s rating: 3/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Whiskey | 17 Comments

Reloaded Original

Posted on December 26, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we’ve got one of those shitty vodka and energy drink cans: Reloaded Original.

Reloaded smells like farts and popcorn.

Reloaded smells like farts and popcorn.

Reloaded is a “Premixed alcoholic drink with vodka, caffeine, taurine & ginseng”, i.e. a cheap vodka and Red Bull. It comes in 3 flavours; original, orange and lemon but I only have original. Reloaded is 4% for £1.50 in a 500ml can making it quite expensive. At such a high price I would have thought it would have a higher alcohol content but it’s the same as a weak beer. For some reason the can has 2 different designs. Maybe shops rotate it different ways and trick people into buying a different drink but that seems like a pretty dumb idea.

I was expecting Reloaded to be some weird red or green colour but it’s the dehydrated piss colour of a standard energy drink, which makes sense since it’s just an energy drink with vodka. I was extremely taken back by the smell of this drink. I was expecting the sickeningly sweet smell of Red Bull but instead my first thought was “Ugh, farty popcorn” which really does describe the smell of this drink perfectly. I guess it’s kind of like the smell of a cinema toilet when you first open the door and create a mix of popcorn and heavily used bathroom. I don’t know how the makers of Reloaded managed to create this smell, as the only two ingredients should be vodka and energy drink, but they’ve somehow done it. Reloaded doesn’t taste awful. It doesn’t taste quite like a regular energy drink but it still has that weird artificial taste. You certainly can’t taste the vodka here either which isn’t surprising since only 1/25th of the drink is alcohol. While it isn’t a horrible drink, it isn’t something I would ever chose to drink again unless it was the only booze available. A slightly better testing, more alcoholic and less weird smelling drink could be made for much cheaper with a bottle of cheap vodka and some cheap energy drink, although I guess Reloaded isn’t really a drink for sipping on while thinking about the finer things in life.

Overall Reloaded is expensive, smells really weird and doesn’t taste enough booze. This is maybe a drink suitable for underage drinking but that’s about it. You could also drink it in a cinema toilet and nobody would ever suspect a thing.

Booze Review rating: 3/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Pre-Mixed | 1 Comment

Ron Blanco Liberté White Rum

Posted on December 26, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we liberate ourselves with a nice big glass of Ron Blanco Liberté White Rum.

First of all I’d like to say that I’m not hitting alt+e every time I need to type “Liberté” so I am not going to be using it for the rest of this review. Secondly, I drank most of the bottle and then remembered I was meant to review it, so this review will be based on one glass of the stuff.

Made in Germany, imported from France.

Made in Germany, imported from France.

Liberte White Rum is another of Lidl’s spirits at the slightly lower 37.5% costing £9.99 per bottle. The front label kind of contradicts itself. On the left it says “IDEAL FOR LONG DRINKS AND COCKTAILS” making me think of pina coladas or mojitos, but on the right it says “POUR INTO A LONG GLASS WITH COLA & LEMON OR LIME” leading me to believe this may not the the sophisticated drink I was led to believe. The back label gives Lidl’s usual disastrous recipe ideas, featuring a Cuba Libre requiring lemon juice which is never used in the guide, and a Daiquiri which uses lemon juice rather than lime. I’m beginning to think these drink recipes are written by some guy called Bob who works at the bottling factory. Bob is by no means a smart man, but he’s the only person in the entire factory who drinks and so everybody flocks to him for guidance. Never having drank anything other than pitchers of lager, Bob tries desperately to remember what he’s seen barmen pouring into cocktails at bars. As nobody else in the factory drinks, they have no reason to doubt Bob’s cocktail guides and print them on the bottle without question.

Being a rum, Liberte is slightly more pleasant smelling than cheap vodka with a sweeter aroma. It has a smell which resembles Drumstick Lollies blended with Toilet Duck. If you do buy this drink I recommend not sniffing it more than two or three times as it begins to burn your trachea. As for the taste, Liberte is pretty good. At just under £10 I was expecting this to taste much more like a cheap chemical tasting vodka but it really is quite a drinkable drink. Being a light booze, Liberte can go down fast and is highly suited for those nights where the only purpose is getting drunk. Add Liberte into a few heavily poured cocktails and you’ll be drunk before you know it.

Liberte is a pretty good tasting white rum at a very low price. I’ll definitely be picking up more of this as it a great cheap spirit and also works well for making more tasteful drinks. I’m going to look into leaving this to steep inside a coconut for a while and making some coconut rum, but that’s for another time.

Booze Review rating: 8/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Lidl, Rum | 14 Comments

Asda Smart Price Lager

Posted on December 22, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Join us today as we attempt to get drunk on Asda Smart Price Lager.

Unfortunately these bastards only come in packs of 4 and as I really don’t want to drink these, this review will mostly consist of me complaining about things while trying to drink 4 cans of piss as fast as possible.

Makes booze not fun!

Makes booze not fun!

Asda Smart Price Lager is a 2% beer which comes in a 440ml can. They’re only sold in packs of 4 costing £1. They’re very cheap but the fact that they’re only 2% means you have to drink twice as many. I don’t understand why anybody would even buy this beer. If you want cheap, there’s much cheaper ways to get drunk, and if you want low alcohol content there’s certainly more flavoursome ways to go about it. The beer comes in a plain green and white can with very little information other than what is legally required. At first I couldn’t understand how each can could possibly contain 6.0 units of alcohol until I realised parts of the can are printed upside down.

The beer looks as bland as the can, pouring a lifeless head which quickly dies. The drink is much clearer than other lagers, probably because it contains less beer. I was expecting the usual pissy lager smell, but there isn’t really any scent from it which makes sense since this beer is 98% water. Asda’s lager tastes like a shitty beer that somebody has watered down. The best way to describe it is if you took a piece of cardboard off the street, soaked it in beer, left it in an old shoe overnight and then sucked the remaining liquid out of it the next day. Smart Price Lager doesn’t even have the same bad taste that most cheap lagers suffer from. This is such a watery beer that the only detectable flavour is in the aftertaste. Burping also provides no flavour. Less than 5 minutes after opening the first can it had already lost what little carbonation it had.

I don’t even want to drink this beer. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s such a pointless thing to do. This beer contains so little alcohol that I’m not sure if you can get drunk from it. Halfway through the second can and I’m starting to feel really full and have a headache. This is the first time where drinking has felt like a chore and there’s still another two cans of this piss fluid to finish. You can drink a 4 pack of this and still not be over your recommended booze limit. This would be a great beer to keep under the sink and feed to any assholes who ever suggest doing a beer bong but I can really think of no legitimate reason to ever buy this.

The worst part of this beer is that it doesn’t even make you need to piss, so I’m currently sitting here with a litre of beer in my stomach with another litre still to come. I’m almost certainly hating this beer more than I should since I’m trying to speed drink 4 cans of it, but that doesn’t excuse the low alcohol content. If this was a reasonable beer I could probably have a slight buzz going by now but this is about as enjoyable as drinking seltzer water, maybe less as water doesn’t taunt you as being alcoholic. This really is the most miserable of beers.

Blue beer is best beer.

Blue beer is best beer.

At this point I gave up on trying to drink them fast and instead decided to find a way to make this beer more interesting. Unfortunately in my current state of boozelessness I only have cream liqueur and blue curacao to mix it with and I’m not drinking cream liqueur with lager, so blue curacao it is.

The blue curacao turned the beer a deep turquoise colour and made it sweeter. I think it would be fair to call it a beer cocktail, which I am calling a “Blue Fuck”. The Blue Fuck isn’t by any means an exciting drink but it is definitely an improvement over the original lager. The blue curacao adds some flavour, alcohol and helps me use the two bottles I’ve had in the cupboard for years, although I’m not suggesting you rush out and buy a pack of Asda Lager and a bottle of blue curacao. Half a glass of Blue Fuck is quite sickening but much preferable over the regular beer. It has quite a powdery finish which can only be from the blue curacao which is both old and cheap. Vodka would be the ideal thing to add to this beer but for now the Blue Fuck will have to do.

Asda Smart Price Lager isn’t even useful as a fallback drink. It is flavourless and unless you have a cupboard full of it, you’re not going to get drunk. If you have your own pot still you could run the lager through it and make some kind of shit vodka but even that isn’t cost effective. Because of the worthlessness of this beer I won’t be reviewing any more low alcohol content drinks unless they’re sold individually.

Booze Review rating: 1/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Asda, Lager | 9 Comments

La Comida White Wine

Posted on December 20, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we are joined by La Comida White Wine.

La Comida: The future of upper class public drinking

La Comida: The future of upper class public drinking

La Comida is a white wine which seems to be exclusive to Asda. It comes in a carton containing 250ml of 11% wine for £1.50, and when I say “carton” I mean it. La Comida completely redefines the meaning of “boxed wine” with their Tetra Pak. It’s something a child could easily mistake for a carton of fruit juice and guzzle down when you’re drunk and not paying attention to what they’re doing. It even has a piece of foil covering the opening which can easily be used for a straw. This also has the hidden advantage of public drinking. Cover the picture of the wine glass with your hand and nobody is ever going to expect you’re drinking a carton of wine with a straw. Remember: They wont find it unless they’re looking for it.

Rather than the usual poetic bullshit printed on a bottle of wine, La Comida embraces its low budget appeal by stating “Perfect to enjoy with everyday meals like pizza, pasta and other light dishes”. La Comida clearly know their market, as nobody buys a box of wine to enjoy alongside pan-seared scallops with a side of Sicilian truffles, they buy it to get drunk without spending money. This is a wine for people who eat Doritos sandwiches.

La Comida looks like a standard white wine. There isn’t much to say about it. There isn’t much smell from it other than a slight honey and lemon tinge but there isn’t anything overly noticeable which is always a good thing with cheap drinks. The wine doesn’t taste great but as a cheap wine it is definitely drinkable. La Comida is quite a fruity white wine, although it isn’t overpowering. I much prefer dry white wines but I would have no problems drinking this. This truly is a wine where you can taste the packaging.

La Comida White Wine is a cheap wine but it is above average compared to other cheap wines. £1.50 for 250ml may seem expensive but it works out at £4.50 for a bottle, which is similar to what I would have to pay at a non-supermarket off-license. The packaging is ridiculous, but being inexpensive, portable, inconspicuous and environmentally friendly I can’t help but admire this wine.

Booze Review rating: 7/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Asda, Wine | 1 Comment

Pre-Mixed Can Special

Posted on December 19, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Today we’re shaking things up with a special pre-mixed drink special!

Here at the Booze Review office we decided to take a break from our usual adventure to Lidl and explore the treasures of low budget specialists Asda. While frolicking through the aisles I noticed an offer: 3 pre-mixed cans for £4. “Meh, that’ll do” I thought as I hurriedly swept the cans into my basket before looking for something better. I was originally going to put each drink in a separate review, but there’s really no reason not to drink them all in one sitting. The drinks are as follows:

Aren't they beautiful?

Aren’t they beautiful?

  • Malibu Caribbean Rum with Coconut & Cola
  • Malibu Caribbean Rum with Coconut & Cranberry
  • Hardys Bellini Premium Sparkling Strawberry Cocktail
  • The Authentic Cocktail – Ready To Drink Cosmopolitan

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: that went downhill pretty fast, but fuck it, they were cheap so let’s get drinking. The Cosmopolitan wasn’t part of the 3 for £4 deal but it was only £1 so I threw that in too.

Malibu Caribbean Rum With Coconut & Cola

Pours a thick, creamy head, not unlike that of Guinness.

Pours a thick, creamy head, not unlike that of Guinness.

Malibu Caribbean Rum With Coconut & Cola comes in a whopping 250ml can at an almost overpowering 5%. The can doesn’t say much other than to “serve chilled for a refreshing taste of the Caribbean”. From that statement I’m going to assume that everybody in the Caribbean drinks these cheap cans of rum and coke, similar to Russians and their vodka.

Malibu looks pretty much as you would expect a rum and coke to look like. There isn’t much to smell other than a slightly noticeable scent of rum. The cola is obviously carbonated but it doesn’t stay this way for long, retaining a barely noticeable fizz after a minute or two. These drinks are made to be drank from the can, but this is a review, and so I have to give some appearance of sophistication. This is a rather bland drink which is quite sweet, however the price to alcohol ratio is far too high to make it a worthwhile beverage. Considering my usual rum to coke ratio would be a minimum of 50:50, the measly 5% is far too low to even get a slight buzz going. You would need to drink about 8 of these cans to start feeling anything, and at that price you could buy a cheap bottle of rum. Malibu & Cola is highly swallowable but is useless unless bought in bulk.

Booze Review rating: 5/10
★★★★★★★★★★

Malibu Caribbean Rum With Coconut & Cranberry

Who needs red wine when you have cranberry juice?

Who needs wine when you have cranberry juice?

More Malibu in a can, but this time with Cranberry. Once again this should be served chilled for a refreshing taste of the Caribbean, so I’m starting to think they don’t give a fuck about what their drinks are mixed with as long as it’s alcoholic. Like its cola infused brother, this drink is also 5% in a 250ml can.

When pouring this can into a glass I was very surprised by the colour, at first it seemed almost a luminous red, but in the glass it has a much darker appearance. Malibu smells very sweet, much more cherry than cranberry.  The first thing I thought of was those gummy cherry lips I used to buy as a kid, as well as cherry coke. Upon drinking it there is very little cranberry to be tasted, definitely much more of a cherry taste than cranberry. I would guess that by “Cranberry” it doesn’t mean “Pure cranberry juice”, but rather “Cranberry flavoured juice”, similar to how that floppy, orange American cheese is labeled as a “Cheese product”. Halfway through the can Malibu gets pretty sickening from the sweetness and fake cranberry taste. This is doubly upsetting for me because I know there are still two more  drinks to come. Malibu & Cranberry is best suited for a diabetic alcoholic who needs both sugar and alcohol at the one time, otherwise it isn’t worth picking up even as a quick chug.

Booze Review rating: 3/10
★★★★★★★★★★

The Authentic Cocktail – Ready To Drink Cosmopolitan

Yeah, I know. Get all your Sex and the City jokes over with so we can start this review. First of all I have to admit, I’ve drank a few of these before and they’re actually pretty good. I used to live beside a pub/off-license and cosmopolitans are great for when you want to drink but you’re hungover as fuck and are tired of nursing that warm beer you opened 20 minutes ago.

Yet again this is another 5%, 250ml can of pre-mixed drink. The Authentic Cocktail Co.’s cosmopolitan is “A blend of cranberry juice, lime juice, orange liqueur & premium vodka”. The can also states ‘Remember “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!”‘, something which I have found is best bellowed in your finest falsetto voice before pounding down a can of this fine beverage.

This drink doesn’t have much of a smell, consisting of a slight orange/berry scent with perhaps a slight hint of alcohol. The colour is quite a distinctive pink, slightly more intense than that of a rose wine. This cosmopolitan has a very fruity and sweet taste which resembles isotonic sports drinks such as Lucozade Sport and Powerade, which is part of the reason why this makes such a great hangover drink. By consuming this cosmopolitan you get the placebo effect of drinking a rehydrating sports drink but it also doubles with its “hair of the dog” cure, perhaps making this the ultimate hangover drink.

This drink is certainly a flavoursome liquid but suffers from the high cost:booze ratio of all premixed cans. While it is a delicious drink, it is also far too sweet and sickening to drink all night. Cosmopolitan is certainly an excellent choice to kick start a hungover drinking session but it is in no way something you should consider drinking all night. Shit-talk cosmopolitans all you want, but I highly reccommend buying a can of this for £1 before you dismiss it. This cosmopolitan gains points for its easiness to drink but falls short due to its failure to be an all night drink.

Booze Review rating: 7/10
★★★★★★★★★★

Hardys Bellini Premium Sparkling Strawberry Cocktail

And so we save the best until last. I don’t know why I even bought this. Maybe I thought it would be funny, but even before opening the can I knew it was going to be shit. I very much doubt anyone will come to Booze Review for an opinion on sparkling strawberry cocktails, but here it goes.

Wine for masochistic lightweights

Wine for masochistic lightweights

Hardys don’t make great wine so I don’t know why they think they can mix their wine with other things to create something worthwhile. Surprisingly, Hardys is the strongest of our 4 pre-mixed cans at a strength of 5.5%, rather than the usual 5%. The can states “This Strawberry Bellini will add some sparkle to your everyday celebrations”. I don’t know any kind of celebration that occurs every day, but in the off-chance it does happen, wine and peaches certainly wouldn’t be my immediate thought. After inspecting the can I noticed a barely readable message printed in pale yellow on the pale pink background of the can reading: “READY TO SERVE IN A TALL WINE GLASS OVER ICE FOR A DELICIOUSLY INDULGENT TASTE”. I certainly hope so my dear sweet Bellini, I certainly hope so.

I expected this Bellini to look similar to a rose wine, but upon pouring it I was surprised by its darker, cloudier appearance. Curiously, I sniffed the contents of the glass. It smelled strangely familiar. I was able to force myself to pick up on the strawberry and perhaps a hint of raspberry, but no, that wasn’t it. I sniffed a little longer until suddenly it hit me. I now knew what this sparkling strawberry cocktail resembles.

Hardys Bellini resembles that situation we all go through at one point in our lives. After a night of heavy drinking, somewhere around your 4th or 5th bottle of bottom shelf wine, you’ll need to visit the bathroom. After a long, drunken piss the room starts spinning and the booze comes back up. Luckily you’re in the bathroom so you only need to bend over to vomit neatly into the toilet. That exact moment is what Hardys Bellini smells like: having your head inside a toilet bowl full of alcoholic piss and wine vomit.

After having been through the ordeal of smelling this drink, the time to taste it was drawing closer. At this point I had forgotten it was sparkling, and a shit carbonated wine is the last thing I wanted to consume. This drink is vile. It tastes like some kind of fruity booze somebody has tried to brew themselves, but didn’t have all the ingredients, so substituted yeast with a packet of old pancakes. Luckily the aftertaste doesn’t linger, but if you lick your lips you’ll have to experience this barf booze once again. I enjoy cheap wine, but this is 1/3 the strength and tastes 10 times worse than a bottle of tramp juice. The fact that it’s a wine and has such a low alcohol content means you can’t even mix it with something to kill off the taste.

At this point I remembered I still have the dumb little plastic lemon from the Castelgy Gin experience. Fuck it, it’s not like I can ruin this drink with a splash of lemon juice.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have only a can of Hardys Bellini and a dumb little plastic lemon, I highly suggest you do not mix the two. Remember earlier when I said there was little aftertaste? Our shitty little yellow friend managed to release these hidden flavours and supply that added kick you never wanted.

Overall Hardys Bellini is about as enjoyable as stepping in dog shit. Some wines suggest drinking with cheese, seafood or white meats, but I would suggest munching on a car tyre before attempting to drink this.

Booze Review rating: 2/10
★★★★★★★★★★

So there you have it. Booze Review’s pre-mixed can special. If you enjoyed it as much as I did then you’ll probably never return to this website again.

Posted in Pre-Mixed | 2 Comments

Corrida Tequila Silver

Posted on December 17, 2012 by Randy Hamblast

Bust out the salt and limes, because today we’re drinking tequila!

Drinking is fun!

Drinking is fun!

My American friend is visiting his family who don’t live in Mexico, so he went to get Mexican food and drink tequila. Upon telling me this I suddenly remembered: Lidl sells tequila! At first I wanted to buy it so I could make Margaritas but I’m too cheap to buy Cointreau so that isn’t going to happen. But fear not! There are still plenty of fun and exciting things to do with this wonderful drink.

Corrida Tequila Silver is once again found in Lidl’s heavenly booze aisle. Weighing in at a hefty £14.99 (on sale!) Corrida just about scrapes past Booze Review’s £15 cutoff point. This tequila is 38% and according to the label it has been made with Agave from the Jalisco desert in Mexican for generations. Wikipedia says the youngest girl to ever give birth was 5 years old, so I can definitely believe that this tequila has been made for 5 years.

Corrida features a fairly simple looking Mexican-style label, possibly made using Clip Art in Microsoft Publisher. I am not familiar with tequila so I can’t compare it to others, but Corrida smells like a blend of overproof white rum, nail polish remover and isopropyl wipes, yet it somehow manages to smell a lot more appealing than other cheap acetone-scented spirits.

One of these drinks counts as part of your 5 a day.

One of these drinks counts as part of your 5 a day.

First up is the ever so popular tequila shot with salt and lime. To be honest, this seems like a lot more hassle that it’s worth, having to slice a lime and then fuck around with salt. I can see the appeal of this drink when out at a bar and somebody else has to deal with all the fancy preparation but it isn’t something I care about enough to do at home. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, it goes like this:

  1. Pour salt on your hand and then lick it off.
  2. Drink tequila.
  3. Bite a lime.

Licking the salt was about as interesting as licking salt can be. The shot of tequila is where it gets more fun. The shot goes down quite easily, but the aftertaste is just… chemicaly. This tequila tastes like it was manufactured in a lab somewhere (although the bottle does say it was made in a desert in Mexico). I would have said it was horrible, but luckily the lime was there to save the drink. The salt didn’t seem to do much (unless that’s what made the tequila go down so easily), but the lime was pretty effective at neutralising the petroleum finish of Corrida Tequila.

You’re probably hoping this review is over now, but there’s still plenty more to come. Next up we have the beautiful Tequila Sunrise. The only reason this drink is happening is because I have an abandoned bottle of grenadine syrup sitting in the cupboard. I originally bought this bottle with the idea that I could make wonderfully exotic cocktails, but I soon realised I’m never going to buy any of the other ingredients required for these drinks, and grenadine isn’t exactly something you want to mix with Sainsbury’s basics vodka and coke.

Lime, orange and grenadine. Technically I don’t need to eat fruit for the next week.

I was looking forward to the tequila sunrise. Orange, grenadine and lime made it seem like it would be a very fruity drink which would be easy to get drunk from, but luckily I was able to fuck it up heavily along the way. I followed this recipe, but as I have never measured booze in my life, nor did I have all the ingredients, I had to follow my drunken intuition. The Booze Review method is as follows:

  • Insert two ice cubes in your glass
  • Slowly fill half the glass with Corrida Tequila Silver
  • Add orange juice until the glass is 2/3 full
  • Carefully add grenadine and hope it doesn’t turn to complete shit
  • Squeeze a lime over the drink, drop it in the glass several times and then impale the mangled wedge on the rim of the glass
  • Inspect the drink disappointedly and serve

I don’t know what I did wrong, but my tequila sunrise did not look like a sunrise at all. Maybe I needed more ice or less tequila, but it quickly became clear that this was going to be tequila and orange, with an unnecessary layer of grenadine syrup resting at the bottom of the glass. I tried stirring the drink, but this simply made it more orange and kept the layer of grenadine at the bottom.

Dispite complete disaster appearancewise, the drink was surprisingly tasty. Corrida pierces through the orange juice a lot more that I was expecting, but it is still an enjoyable drink. The worst part of the tequila sunrise was figuring out how to finish the drink without consuming pure grenadine at the end but luckily the lime once again saved the drink. As I was taking a drink, the lime fell into the glass and caused a splash. I childishly found this amusing and laughed, causing the drink to splash around even more. This seemed to agitate the grenadine at the bottom, causing it to blend with the drink more so I allowed the lime to remain in the drink and do its work. Looking back, I’m not sure why I even bothered impaling the lime on the glass where it served no purpose but maybe this is the secret to making a successful Tequila Sunrise.

Tequila and tonic tastes as good as you would expect.

And now we reach our final drink: Tequila and tonic. This never really seemed like it would be a good idea, but I had some tonic water left over after drinking the Castelgy Gin, so there was really no reason not to. At first I thought this drink would be terrible, but I was right. The tonic I had was flat, leaving me with a bland tasting chemical bath with a slice of fruit floating in it. Tequila and tonic isn’t necessarily a bad tasting drink, it is just a really miserable thing to consume. This might be a better drink with a higher quality tequila and non-shitty tonic water, but it doesn’t even seem like something that would taste good in the first place. A good use for this drink would be if somebody was at your house and you offered them a gin and tonic but really gave them this, but other than a practical joke I can’t think of any reason why somebody would make this.

Overall, Corrida Tequila Silver is not a great drink. I understand that every drink I have made with it has been a complete disaster, but even by itself it is not a tasty drink. I can see this maybe being used for “fun” party shots but it isn’t something you would just sit down and enjoy.

Booze Review rating: 3/10 deliciouses
★★★★★★★★★★

Posted in Lidl, Tequila | 2 Comments